We Are Family!

Sure, you can sing the title if you'd like.....I did as I was typing it! :)

If I had to sum up what I've learned most from our fostering experience in one lesson, it would hands down be the importance of my family. I have never doubted our unique bond or overlooked the indescribable treasure that it is, but the clarity these past 5 months has brought is beyond refreshing!




My Family from WiddlyTinks.com

We are a lively, crazy bunch who loves loud! As in the action of loving BIG....not that we aren't also pretty loud most of the time....it's kind of an unavoidable reality of a family the size of ours! We each have very clearly defined, individual personalities, but we love, love, love being together! Like we can't get enough of each other most days. I know, crazy huh? We start our days with huge snuggle piles in my all too small bed. We eat together, do chores together, talk, laugh, cry, learn, play, argue, eat some more, read, watch a movie, talk, laugh, and end it all with more cuddles. There is very little "alone time" in our home. We thrive in this! And most days, it's a lot of fun!

Now, we had been cautioned upon beginning our adventure in foster care that some children wouldn't want to be a part. That rejection is simply part of fostering and that some may avoid attachment so as to protect their loyalty to their own family. This isn't something that should be taken personally and so on. Sure, sure, whatever....that wouldn't happen to us. We would love them like they had never known love. I mean WHO wouldn't want to be a part of this family, come on! Well, it indeed has happened. And you know what, it hurts. It is very sad. Sad for our family yes, but sad for this child. Regardless of every attempt on our parts to give space, allow time, and offer everything imaginable in form of safety, security and comfort, we have met the one that refuses it all. It is frustrating and flat out makes you mad some days. But, it troubles me on a much deeper level for this little person who carries a burden far too heavy for their tender years. To know that there truly is no real explanation that we can offer, nor any real sense for what the future holds. When you pause for a moment to reflect, all in all, I guess it really isn't so difficult to understand the distance and lack of attachment that is present. The idea that love can heal anything, while beautifully romantic, just isn't true. We love this child. We want for them the very best. And having to come to the realization that that may quiet possibly NOT be us.....a very difficult thing to swallow. Perhaps this little person has taught me far, far more about the importance of my family and our unique bond than I may ever pass on to them. Perhaps teaching me to love each member of my team deeper, hold them tighter, speak to them more personally and give them my genuine attention is the ultimate lesson to be learned. For that I am overwhelmingly grateful. Heavy, yes, but oh so grateful.

And in those moments when I think "Does it even matter Lord? Is what I'm doing today having any impact whatsoever?" I am thankful for the reminders that come in the form of a full lap, giggles and the ring of "I love you mommy!" in my ears. And hopefully, so very hopefully, something that is witnessed will at least be remembered fondly.

Freeze Frame

I absolutely love this stage in my life! Really, if I could freeze my children right where they are and keep it this way forever, I think I would. Sleepless nights, messy house, absolute NO privacy and all....well, I'm pretty certain I could do without the dirty diapers and stomach bugs, but other than that, yup, it's good. I love climbing into bed to action figures and stuffed animals under my covers because my room had been transformed into an aquarium that day. Or finding sloppy little love notes on random scraps of paper with delightfully misspelled words. :) I love the instant satisfaction that comes from being the one whose presence alone brings security, comfort and calmness to one of my children. Or the delightful celebration when I "magically" create them a simple gift like a pillowcase. I love the sounds of siblings playing and laughing. I love the late night and early morning snuggles. The picture books we have memorized. The freedom of imagination and creativity that effortlessly flows all around. The way they overlook all my imperfections. I love the random hugs and I love yous, and the feeling of my heart swelling within me when I witness the purity and rawness of my child learning something new or simply acting their age. Motherhood really is bliss to me!

I've always found it interesting that people act as though I settled for being a stay-at-home-mom, when actually, it is a choice I have the privilege to make each and every day. I truly can't imagine anything better! I have the unique opportunity to learn and grow every single day, surrounded by the people in this world I love most, I mean come on! And I get to watch each of them do the same. They give me life energy and a purpose far beyond anything I could ever have asked for or imagined. Oh how eternally grateful I am that God knew far better than I what "career" would best suit me and that for reasons I'm sure never to understand has blessed me beyond measure by filling my home to overflowing with little hands, feet and hearts to grow with!

Looking forward to what the year ahead holds while soaking in each and every moment of the here and now,

Catch & Release

I had the blessing and privilege of growing up with a father who loved the outdoors. Yes, maybe he was even obsessed at times, but nonetheless, his enthusiasm and respect for nature and wildlife has become a very real part of who I am. For that I am very thankful!

This also meant that I spent a lot of time in the rivers, creeks and streams of the Smoky Mountains....I know, torture huh? We loved to go trout fishing or seining for bait....the latter was my favorite since I become easily impatient and you're guaranteed to catch SOMETHING this way! One of the first lessons in fishing, beyond mastering "the worm on the hook" of course, is catch and release. There are many reasons to catch and release.....the fish is small and needs to grow, you are near the days quota or you are simply fishing for leisure that day. But me, being the instant bond to anything breathing (and sometimes even the non-breathing!) type sometimes had a hard time with this.

The catch part was always FUN! There are few things as super exciting as F.I.N.A.L.L.Y feeling that gentle tug on your line that you have been waiting for. The "I've got one!" "I've got one!" immediately runs over you and almost instinctively allows the jerk that sets the hook. Then you reel and tug and fight with all you have to bring the catch to shore, closer and closer to you until you've got it! Then you pause in your excitement to admire your tangible success before facing the inevitable.

When it was finally time for the release part, I can remember gently but securely holding the fish as I placed it back into the water. I would slowly loosen my grasp allowing it to slide through my fingers before finally swimming  free. Then, I would stand and watch it until it was completely out of sight, often with the thought that I would never see that fish again for the rest of my life, running through my mind. There was always a slight bit of sadness with the release along with a rush of excitement about the next catch. I suppose this is a perfect image of the ebb and flow of life in general. Especially in the place I find myself at right now.

Being pretty solidly rooted in the first foster placements in our home, I find myself somewhere in the middle of the reeling in part. We have experienced that gentle tug that led us straight into one of the greatest fights of our lives. We have reeled and tugged and struggled to bring these precious children closer and closer to us. To get to know them and meet their needs. To serve them and even their family which has created a fight within us that I'm convinced there was no possible way to be prepared for. We have certainly given it our all and have experience the hopeless dark moments fluidly mixed with the triumphant victories that come packaged in the most simple and unusual ways. I wouldn't say we have reached the point of tangible success, but I feel my heart preparing for the release.

The release, like always, is something that brings yet another chaotic mix of emotions. While there have been times throughout this placement where I've been almost completely certain that we were making absolutely no positive impact AT ALL......I can see it now. I can see how consistency and love....even when I didn't want to.....are now paying off. I can see how the impossibility of trust is now something that is being relied on by our lil' friend. I can see in his face that he believes us and that while he may not fully understand us or our ways, that in some way, he knows we really do mean what we say and that we really do care for him. I can see at moments that he has decided that we really aren't all that bad after all. :) With his acceptance comes his own outreach of unprompted affection.....this is something that is precious and beautiful, but something that makes the release even more bittersweet.

I imagine the process that the months ahead hold for us will continue to be a roller coaster of the unexpected. And I don't for a minute know how to explain it all where it will make sense, even for myself, but I feel it. I feel the strange preparations beginning within me. The need to make sure they are equipped and ready for what they will face....although there really is no way I can do this. I feel the ache beginning to squeeze at my heart and the lump filling my throat with the images of  the day we say goodbye floating about in my head. I feel the spot within me that has become theirs not knowing what to do with the thought that I may never see them again for the rest of my life. But amidst it all there resides a peace and certainty. A peace straight from the most compassionate heart of God I am certain. A peace that He's got it all. That He knows the whole story and that when my part is done, He will still be there.
I'm not pretending this is easy. It isn't. In any way. But it is good. And while there are very few days that go by without my questioning it, it is His will, and I am forever grateful for the grace that allows me to be a part.

Give WATER!!!!

Check out what we are giving away to help build a WELL!!! :) Join in the fun and spread the word too!

Dear Daddy,

You always gave the best advice. You were always confident and made your decisions thoughtfully and with certainty. You told me that in life I could have anything I set my mind to. I've always believed that, but now I'm not so sure. It's not you that I doubt, or your desire to spur us on to bigger and better, it's that you had no idea what we would face. And oh I how I wish you were here in body and voice at this very time, like many others in the past couple of years, to give your calm and powerful reassurance.

Daddy, I'm sure when you said this to me you never imagined me a foster mother. I'm sure you had no idea what working with "the system" would be like. I'm sure that the things that fill my heart and mind, the things I desire to see happen and pour myself into daily with repeated, crushed hope never crossed your mind. I'm sure you never pictured the eyes of a sweet baby, warm and snug in my arms, deeply studying my face as she falls to sleep each night fully convinced that I am indeed her "mama" as she is beginning to say.  I know you hadn't thought of this little fella who is so confused he doesn't know how to even accept my attempts to love him. I'm confident you had no idea that this intensely emotional roller coaster would ever enter my life.

However, I also know something more about you. You would tell me I can do it. Still. Regardless. You would believe in me like no other. You would be my biggest cheerleader and you would welcome every child that shared our home into yours. You had the biggest heart. Especially when it came to children. I know you would help me find the good even the most horrible moments....and there have been many thus far. I know you would also share my frustrations and not only lend me an ear in those ranting moments, but would also climb right up on my soap box alongside me and shoot off a few too! That makes me smile! :) The standard you would hold me to is still very present in my life and I thank you for that and draw strength from it regularly. I also want you to know.....not like you didn't already, but just so it is "officially" stated publicly....you were 150% right on about the man I married, he really is perfect for me! He's been amazing Daddy. He's been my rock. My most sincere and caring companion and partner in this most vulnerable journey. He's such a real person and I am so incredibly blessed by him! How this has strengthened our relationship and our bond with our children has been a welcome surprise. Oh Daddy, and the children....you would be so proud! They are truly amazing kids! They remind me each day what unconditional love really looks like. They serve with such an open, pure and unhindered heart.....oh if I could only be more like them! They are my light and my breath and I praise God for each of them and their individual place in our team.

I want you to know Daddy, that how I wish with my whole heart that you were where I could just pick up the phone and call you, that void that won't allow me to has caused me to seek my Heavenly Father on a much deeper level and that is oh so good! He is constant. He is sufficient. He has brought us to this place not by accident, but with clear intention. My certainty in that is my survival, my reason to keep on, my provision of unending hope. So I'm learning. Learning to set my mind on greater things than that which I can see. I'm learning that what He has in mind for me truly is and always will be far more than I could ever imagine. That is good. And you know what, He is fully capable of attaining it all. :)

Thank you Daddy. Thank you for the man you were in my life. For being a father that loved me so much that I still feel it. Thank you for not being "perfect"....although you often were in my eyes! :) Thank you for being an example of the Father's love that offers me warmth and comfort and security. I love you so much!


Joshua 1:9 Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go."

:) Hint for Hubby!

If that's not you (or maybe my mom) then you can just enjoy the scenery of Above All Fabrics....soooo lovely!!!

Now, if you're "Hubby".....then this is for you....my WISHLIST!!! :) :) :) Don't you just love how sweet and simple I make it for you??? And here's a few of my absolute FAVS!!!

Ok, that's good. :) Love you so much!

No better words...

Do you wonder why you have to,
feel the things that hurt you,
if there's a God who loves you,
where is He now?

Maybe, there are things you can't see
and all those things are happening
to bring a better ending
some day, some how, you'll see, you'll see

Chorus:
Would you dare, would you dare, to believe,
that you still have a reason to sing,
'cause the pain you've been feeling,
can't compare to the joy that's coming

so hold on, you got to wait for the light
press on, just fight the good fight
because the pain you've been feeling,
it's just the dark before the morning

My friend, you know how this all ends
and you know where you're going,
you just don't know how you get there
so just say a prayer.
and hold on, cause there's good for those who love God,
life is not a snapshot, it might take a little time,
but you'll see the bigger picture

Would you dare, would you dare, to believe,
that you still have a reason to sing,
'cause the pain you've been feeling,
can't compare to the joy that's coming

so hold on, you got to wait for the light
press on, just fight the good fight
because the pain you've been feeling,
it's just the dark before the morning
yeah, yeah,
before the morning,
yeah, yeah

Once you feel the way of glory,
all your pain will fade to memory
once you feel the way of glory,
all your pain will fade to memory
memory, memory, yeah

Would you dare, would you dare, to believe,
that you still have a reason to sing,
'cause the pain you've been feeling,
can't compare to the joy that's coming

Would  you dare, would you dare, to believe,
that you still have a reason to sing,
'cause the pain you've been feeling,
can't compare to the joy that's coming

com'n, you got to wait for the light
press on, just fight the good fight
because the pain you've been feeling,
it's just the hurt before the healing
the pain you've been feeling,
just the dark before the morning
before the morning, yeah, yeah
before the morning

Christian lyrics - BEFORE THE MORNING LYRICS - JOSH WILSON

Take a minute to listen and be encouraged... Before The Morning