Out of Control

Well. We are entering our 6th week of being foster parents....I was almost tempted to write "survived" instead of "are entering". It has without a doubt been the most difficult parenting experience of our lives in more ways than I could list or have ever imagined! We have learned SOOOOO much about SOOOOO many different things regarding foster care and living a life full of challenge. BUT, if there were one thing I had to pin all my learning on it is this...

I DO NOT HAVE CONTROL OF ANYTHING!!!

Normally this would create complete anxiety for me....and I'm not for a moment trying to pretend there haven't been extremely anxious moments, hence my opening paragraph....however, knowing in my head that God is ultimately in control is entirely different than being dependent on that truth for every single moment. And that friends is where I find myself. Completely dependent on God and his strength, knowledge, love, endurance, patience and peace to live through me. I am not capable of fulfilling the task He has laid before me. He is. I must allow myself to be nothing more than an instrument of His service. To die to myself. I've heard that phrase my whole life. My head got it, "yea, yea, yea, I belong to Christ".....now my heart is ever so slowly beginning to get it. It is so hard to try and keep my will and my flesh, my ideas of how it should be, from getting in the way of His truth and beauty that wants to live through me. For me to truly love others not only as myself, but before myself.....and this doesn't JUST apply to those that are easy to love.

Galatians 2:20-21 ²⁰I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. ²¹I do not set aside the grace of God, for if righteousness could be gained through the law, Christ died for nothing!"

I am so grateful for God's Word, and the opportunity to hear it taught in a way that effortlessly speaks straight to my heart. I am so VERY thankful that God's pleasure in me is NOT based on my performance for Him!  

I am also grateful for the blessing of my family and the way we interact with one another on a WHOLE NEW LEVEL!!! My husband is my perfect leader and teammate and my children remind me every day of what unconditional love really looks like. I am thankful for parents who loved me enough to establish and exercise clear boundaries with me. Parents who didn't give up when it was hard. Parents who had very high expectations and challenged me to always to do my best. Parents who believed I could be anything I wanted to be in life and supported and encouraged me every step! The merciful gift from God that they were and are in my life is absolutely irreplaceable!

Thank you God for the blessing of these briskly raw reminders and for the prayers of desperation that have kept me where I am to be, clinging ONLY to you!