You always gave the best advice. You were always confident and made your decisions thoughtfully and with certainty. You told me that in life I could have anything I set my mind to. I've always believed that, but now I'm not so sure. It's not you that I doubt, or your desire to spur us on to bigger and better, it's that you had no idea what we would face. And oh I how I wish you were here in body and voice at this very time, like many others in the past couple of years, to give your calm and powerful reassurance.
Daddy, I'm sure when you said this to me you never imagined me a foster mother. I'm sure you had no idea what working with "the system" would be like. I'm sure that the things that fill my heart and mind, the things I desire to see happen and pour myself into daily with repeated, crushed hope never crossed your mind. I'm sure you never pictured the eyes of a sweet baby, warm and snug in my arms, deeply studying my face as she falls to sleep each night fully convinced that I am indeed her "mama" as she is beginning to say. I know you hadn't thought of this little fella who is so confused he doesn't know how to even accept my attempts to love him. I'm confident you had no idea that this intensely emotional roller coaster would ever enter my life.
However, I also know something more about you. You would tell me I can do it. Still. Regardless. You would believe in me like no other. You would be my biggest cheerleader and you would welcome every child that shared our home into yours. You had the biggest heart. Especially when it came to children. I know you would help me find the good even the most horrible moments....and there have been many thus far. I know you would also share my frustrations and not only lend me an ear in those ranting moments, but would also climb right up on my soap box alongside me and shoot off a few too! That makes me smile! :) The standard you would hold me to is still very present in my life and I thank you for that and draw strength from it regularly. I also want you to know.....not like you didn't already, but just so it is "officially" stated publicly....you were 150% right on about the man I married, he really is perfect for me! He's been amazing Daddy. He's been my rock. My most sincere and caring companion and partner in this most vulnerable journey. He's such a real person and I am so incredibly blessed by him! How this has strengthened our relationship and our bond with our children has been a welcome surprise. Oh Daddy, and the children....you would be so proud! They are truly amazing kids! They remind me each day what unconditional love really looks like. They serve with such an open, pure and unhindered heart.....oh if I could only be more like them! They are my light and my breath and I praise God for each of them and their individual place in our team.
I want you to know Daddy, that how I wish with my whole heart that you were where I could just pick up the phone and call you, that void that won't allow me to has caused me to seek my Heavenly Father on a much deeper level and that is oh so good! He is constant. He is sufficient. He has brought us to this place not by accident, but with clear intention. My certainty in that is my survival, my reason to keep on, my provision of unending hope. So I'm learning. Learning to set my mind on greater things than that which I can see. I'm learning that what He has in mind for me truly is and always will be far more than I could ever imagine. That is good. And you know what, He is fully capable of attaining it all. :)
Thank you Daddy. Thank you for the man you were in my life. For being a father that loved me so much that I still feel it. Thank you for not being "perfect"....although you often were in my eyes! :) Thank you for being an example of the Father's love that offers me warmth and comfort and security. I love you so much!
Joshua 1:9 Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go."