Hope Now

If everything comes down to love

Then just what am I afraid of

When I call out Your name

Something inside awakes in my soul

How quickly I forget I'm Yours

I'm not my own

I've been carried by You

All my life

Everything rides on hope now

Everything rides on faith somehow

When the world has broken me down

Your love sets me free

When my life is like a storm

Rising waters all I want is the shore

You say I'll be ok and

Make it through the rain

You are my shelter from the storm

I am not my own

I've been carried by you all my life

Everything rides on hope now

Everything rides on faith somehow

When the world has broken me down

Your love sets me free

You've become my hearts desire

I will sing Your praises higher

Cause Your love sets me free

Your love sets me free

Your love sets me free

Cravings

As much as there are sincerely moments of sorrow as we prepare for what is to come over the next few weeks, I am also filled with cravings. A longing for my family and what we share that is so very special and has been completely upturned, put on hold and tested to the limits for nearly 6 months now.

I crave a happy home. A place without constant battles. A place free from constant whining, fighting or tantrums. A place where simple, daily, routine activities like bath, meals and bedtime can occur without complete meltdowns....or the feeling of walking on eggshells as you await the next unpredictable and inevitable outburst. A place where we can truly relax and simply be happy to be together. A place where I can enjoy my children, because I do so very much! The phrase (or song if you grew up when I did) "don't know what you got 'til it's gone" rings true! While I have mentioned before how incredibly special my family is and how I always knew that, once again, the experience of fostering makes it even more clear.

If you've read some of my other posts, it's also pretty clear that one of our foster children has made our first go at being a foster family pretty stinking difficult. No, the truth is, it's been hell some days. Our family was prepared to make sacrifices, but when your home, your safe place becomes a "war zone", it makes it very difficult to find a time/place of refuge to regroup and refresh. We are certainly feeling the toll of this! While my heart wishes this child a most happy and healthy future, I am most definitely ready for the approaching light at the end of the tunnel that brings a much needed opportunity to BREATHE.

And interestingly enough, the promise of an end in sight, allows me the strength and opportunity to pray for this child in a way my weary heart has had difficulty praying at times. I trust God's plan in it all....although very confusing to me at times. The positive impact we have made seems very limited from our perspective, but I pray that at least my moments of desperation and complete dependency on Him brought Him honor and glory as I clung to Him. And I hope He feels the overwhelming warmth and gratitude from within me when He sees me love my family as if each day were all we had. And one day, when I'm curled up by His side, He can tell me all about the big picture that I can't see so much of right now.

Now, the need for mama in the other room is calling. Boot straps up....here we go! :)

Just Imagine

Imagine knowing your about to send your child away.

Imagine knowing you will most likely never see them again.

Imagine packing their favorite toys.

Imagine washing their clothes and folding them neatly and placing them in a box.

Imagine the last night you put them to bed.

Imagine not knowing where they will end up.

Imagine putting them in a carseat and watching them pull out of your driveway.

Imagine having no choice.

Imagine how your heart would break.

Imagine the empty bed, seat, place in your life that belongs to them that will remind you over and over that they are gone.

Imagine having to explain this to their siblings who remain behind.

Some things in life have no explanation because they simply do not make sense.

Praising God for the learning opportunities and the strengthened bonds through this experience. Trusting him for the peace and healing that is needed to move on, better for Him.

Psalm 18:2  "The Lord is my rock, my fortress, and my deliverer; my God, my strength, and whom I will trust.

New Year's Resolution of sorts....

Yea, so I don't normally buy into the whole "New Years Resolution" stuff, but this year I'm gonna give it a try. I've had this idea swimming around in my head for like, FOR-EV-ER!!! So, I figure it's time to really do it! I want to purposely sew each month for a specific organization or need. I would love to have others participate with me! SEEEEEWWWWW, clink the pic above and join in the fun!

We Are Family!

Sure, you can sing the title if you'd like.....I did as I was typing it! :)

If I had to sum up what I've learned most from our fostering experience in one lesson, it would hands down be the importance of my family. I have never doubted our unique bond or overlooked the indescribable treasure that it is, but the clarity these past 5 months has brought is beyond refreshing!




My Family from WiddlyTinks.com

We are a lively, crazy bunch who loves loud! As in the action of loving BIG....not that we aren't also pretty loud most of the time....it's kind of an unavoidable reality of a family the size of ours! We each have very clearly defined, individual personalities, but we love, love, love being together! Like we can't get enough of each other most days. I know, crazy huh? We start our days with huge snuggle piles in my all too small bed. We eat together, do chores together, talk, laugh, cry, learn, play, argue, eat some more, read, watch a movie, talk, laugh, and end it all with more cuddles. There is very little "alone time" in our home. We thrive in this! And most days, it's a lot of fun!

Now, we had been cautioned upon beginning our adventure in foster care that some children wouldn't want to be a part. That rejection is simply part of fostering and that some may avoid attachment so as to protect their loyalty to their own family. This isn't something that should be taken personally and so on. Sure, sure, whatever....that wouldn't happen to us. We would love them like they had never known love. I mean WHO wouldn't want to be a part of this family, come on! Well, it indeed has happened. And you know what, it hurts. It is very sad. Sad for our family yes, but sad for this child. Regardless of every attempt on our parts to give space, allow time, and offer everything imaginable in form of safety, security and comfort, we have met the one that refuses it all. It is frustrating and flat out makes you mad some days. But, it troubles me on a much deeper level for this little person who carries a burden far too heavy for their tender years. To know that there truly is no real explanation that we can offer, nor any real sense for what the future holds. When you pause for a moment to reflect, all in all, I guess it really isn't so difficult to understand the distance and lack of attachment that is present. The idea that love can heal anything, while beautifully romantic, just isn't true. We love this child. We want for them the very best. And having to come to the realization that that may quiet possibly NOT be us.....a very difficult thing to swallow. Perhaps this little person has taught me far, far more about the importance of my family and our unique bond than I may ever pass on to them. Perhaps teaching me to love each member of my team deeper, hold them tighter, speak to them more personally and give them my genuine attention is the ultimate lesson to be learned. For that I am overwhelmingly grateful. Heavy, yes, but oh so grateful.

And in those moments when I think "Does it even matter Lord? Is what I'm doing today having any impact whatsoever?" I am thankful for the reminders that come in the form of a full lap, giggles and the ring of "I love you mommy!" in my ears. And hopefully, so very hopefully, something that is witnessed will at least be remembered fondly.