As much as there are sincerely moments of sorrow as we prepare for what is to come over the next few weeks, I am also filled with cravings. A longing for my family and what we share that is so very special and has been completely upturned, put on hold and tested to the limits for nearly 6 months now.
I crave a happy home. A place without constant battles. A place free from constant whining, fighting or tantrums. A place where simple, daily, routine activities like bath, meals and bedtime can occur without complete meltdowns....or the feeling of walking on eggshells as you await the next unpredictable and inevitable outburst. A place where we can truly relax and simply be happy to be together. A place where I can enjoy my children, because I do so very much! The phrase (or song if you grew up when I did) "don't know what you got 'til it's gone" rings true! While I have mentioned before how incredibly special my family is and how I always knew that, once again, the experience of fostering makes it even more clear.
If you've read some of my other posts, it's also pretty clear that one of our foster children has made our first go at being a foster family pretty stinking difficult. No, the truth is, it's been hell some days. Our family was prepared to make sacrifices, but when your home, your safe place becomes a "war zone", it makes it very difficult to find a time/place of refuge to regroup and refresh. We are certainly feeling the toll of this! While my heart wishes this child a most happy and healthy future, I am most definitely ready for the approaching light at the end of the tunnel that brings a much needed opportunity to BREATHE.
And interestingly enough, the promise of an end in sight, allows me the strength and opportunity to pray for this child in a way my weary heart has had difficulty praying at times. I trust God's plan in it all....although very confusing to me at times. The positive impact we have made seems very limited from our perspective, but I pray that at least my moments of desperation and complete dependency on Him brought Him honor and glory as I clung to Him. And I hope He feels the overwhelming warmth and gratitude from within me when He sees me love my family as if each day were all we had. And one day, when I'm curled up by His side, He can tell me all about the big picture that I can't see so much of right now.
Now, the need for mama in the other room is calling. Boot straps up....here we go! :)