Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Let me do it!

According to my mother, this was a phrase she often heard from me as a child. "Let me do it!". She says this was the case even before I could say it clearly. "Let me do it!" Regardless of the fact that many times the "it" was something greater than my capabilities. Something that I would struggle with until realizing that indeed, I was going to need help. Then, I would finally bring it to her, frustrated, and allow her to intervene with ease and success. It gives her great joy to watch me mother my youngest, for he too is this very way.
Today has been one full of "Let me do it!" moments. He's a bit under the weather, so also a bit more easily agitated. But repeatedly today, I have had to step aside, watch and wait for him to come to me for help. It's often a struggle for me, to watch him struggle, without immediately assisting. Knowing all along that I could have it all in order, in a quick moment, with very little effort. But, I know him. I know his heart. And, I know that it would do more harm to him, his energy for life and being involved in every single moment of it, if I did. So I wait. And when he decides that he not only needs my help, but also wants it, and then approaches me with the visible release of struggle, I am ready. I help in an instant, gently, warmly, lovingly as I nurture the balance of his desire for independence and knowledge of dependence. Never quenching his determination. Never bruising his confidence. Assisting yet challenging him. Continuously encouraging him. For I delight in him and am so very proud of him.
Today as I watched him, knowing he wasn't feeling well anyway, I was filled with a greater desire to help. I realized quickly that while he may not be 100%, he certainly was nowhere near giving up. I knew I could save him the frustration and exhaustion, but still had to wait. And as I did, I saw myself.

How many times has God looked upon me, longing to help me, knowing that I would refuse it, and so He waited. He waited for me to bring whatever my "it" for the moment was and place it in his hands willingly. And instantly, without effort, he accomplished what my struggle could not. Gently. Warmly. Lovingly. How many times has He softly reminded me that my dependence on Him only strengthens my independence in this world. How grateful I am! How very grateful I am that it is not all dependent upon me and my abilities! For in spite of my determination, strong will and go getter personality, I am simple and limited, easily distracted and far too impatient. How thankful I am to serve a God who is complicated beyond what I can figure out, powerful beyond measure and full of grace and mercy and tenderness. A God who knows my heart and speaks to it personally and intentionally. And I pray finds delight and pride in calling me His daughter. 

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