Thursday, March 10, 2011

A month later...

...and I'm really not sure where I'm at to be honest. It's been a month since she left. I closed the door to her room and avoid it altogether except for when I randomly find something of her paci under the couch or those little shoes that were so cute but just wouldn't stay on her feet and ended up at the bottom of my purse. Then I quickly open the door and toss it in, without emotion and quickly shut the door back. I think I've finally worked my way through all the laundry bins that held the remnants of her last days here. I don't linger on thoughts or pictures of her for long most days. But today, I'm really not feeling well anyway and so, I have allowed the reality to creep in just a bit. It reminds my heart that she indeed was a real part of my life and that regardless of my inability to talk much about her right now, I miss her. My heart aches. I wonder if she is well. Has she adjusted? Have they learned yet how she likes to be held and which foods are her favorites? Is she finally crawling? Or did she just skip that step like we suspected she might? Has her "mama" decided she is worth the fight? Does she know that she is loved? Oh I hope so!
I don't doubt God's hand in our time together. I don't doubt that He intended it, and still does, for good. I still don't know the "whys" really, but getting caught up in the emotion of that would surely be destructive. Instead, I just wait. Somewhat burying myself in time consuming distractions knowing that healing and learning are both part of the "now" but don't always work together and frankly aren't always welcome. I do however find comfort and hope in His Word when I am willing to embrace it and trust that He knows best. And today, these words encourage and almost, just almost inspire....

"Keep your eyes firmly fixed on the infinite greatness of Christ's finished work and His righteousness. Look to Jesus and believe - look to Jesus and live! In fact, as you look to Him, unfurl your sails and bravely face the raging storms on the sea of life. Do not exhibit your distrust by staying in the security of the calm harbor or by sleeping comfortably through your life of ease. Do not allow your life and emotions to be tossed back and forth against each other like ships idly moored at port. The Christian life is not one of listless brooding over our emotions or slowly drifting our keel of faith through shallow water. Nor is it one of dragging our anchor of hope through the settling mud of the bay, as if we were afraid of encountering a healthy breeze. Sail away! Spread your sail toward the storm and trust in Him who rules the raging seas." - Streams In The Desert

Such a beautiful image! Almost least from the "safe" place I sit now. But the still overwhelming cautiousness within me brings me back to retreat. Time. Just a little more time yet. I don't want to miss out on what He has in store, but the leap seems out of reach right now. So thankful for His grace and patience. So thankful that He knows me like no other.

"My righteous one will live by faith." Hebrews 10:38

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