Monday, April 4, 2011

Climbed that mountain!

Today I cleaned THE room. The room that has been shut since the baby left. The room that I have avoided at every measure. I didn't do this by my own initiative either, I must admit, but rather on the motivation that the caseworker will be coming for her first visit since the children left. Yes, apparently she will visit once every three months as long as our home is "open". And, our home is still open. We haven't felt clearly lead for it to be otherwise. Just on hold. Not sure for how long, and feel no hurry in this area right now. BUT, I did need to clean the nursery, as it had become little more than a storage room for every piece of anything baby that came into our path to be tossed.

This was not something I really wanted to do, but it was good. And I was reminded of what I do have by the message on the wall above the crib,

The children and I were all crammed in the tiny, messy space at one point talking about how it made us all feel to be back in that room. The roller coaster of emotions spilled again as we giggled and cried and questioned what's next. To the what's next? there isn't an answer quite yet. But we faced it with conversation today like we have been avoiding as much as the room itself.

As we talked, and speculated on the "what ifs" I could sense that like me, the children wanted to be open to another baby in our home, but at the very same time were guarded. Rightfully so! Their hearts have been broken like I would never wish. But, I believe they understand love like few their ages. True love, love like Christ showed for us on the cross and shows us in His acceptance of our brokenness everyday. This kind of love isn't always pretty and it certainly isn't fairytale romantic! Even better though, it is real.

At one point in the conversation I asked what we were suppose to do, just have our hearts broken again and again and again and then glued back together until there was nothing but glue??? To which my 6 year old replied, "We don't use glue mommy. We use God." OH YES!!!! You're exactly right my precious, wise son! And if we come to the place where our lives are nothing but God then we have indeed made it to where He wants us!

I am thankful today for lessons learned and for the gift of solitude. I read from my favorite devotional today, Streams in the Desert, about the widow and her two sons in Kings. Kings 4:4 says "Go inside and shut the door behind you and your sons." They were to be alone with God. I understand so well, how God works best in these times of little distraction. These are the times that I'm reminded how dependent I am on Him and what really matters.This quote stood out to me from what I read today,

"Most Christians lead a treadmill life-a life in which they can predict almost everything that will come their way. But the souls that God leads into unpredictable and special situations are isolated by Him. All they know is that God is holding them and that He is dealing in their lives. Then their expectations come from Him alone."
Oh to cling to that truth!

These are not easy times, but they are beautiful times! And the further up that daunting mountain he brings me, the more breathtaking and awe inspiring the view.
From our "mountain climb" hike this weekend...

Trusting, absorbing, wondering,

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